


Shipper Wars

by justanotherjen



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Dialogue-Only, F/M, Funny, Humor, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-05
Updated: 2012-05-05
Packaged: 2017-11-07 22:20:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/436073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanotherjen/pseuds/justanotherjen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was written for a challenge: what I love about Stargate.  Somehow it ended up being all dialogue and meta.  And I had way too much fun writing these.  They were originally posted at my livejournal as four separate stories but I'll post them as chapters here.  If you read carefully you can tell who is speaking each line.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shipper Wars

**Author's Note:**

> _SG-1 discusses something Cam found on the internet that disturbs him._

Hey, Jackson, what's up with these Sam/Jack shippers? They seem really obsessed.

Who? What?

Like, look at this one chick. She's doing a Favorite Things list and has a picspam of some of our alien allies. And another with all the bad guys we've taken care out.

You mean that we've taken out before you were part of the "we".

Whatever. Then she has 20 icons dedicated to Sam and General O'Neill. What the hell about the rest of us?

Why do you care?

Because I don't see any icons of me!

So, it's an ego thing.

No, it's a principal thing. How can you make a list and not include the rest of SG-1?

There are other people on this show besides SG-1.

You're missing the point.

Probably because you haven't made one yet.

Teal'c what are your thoughts?

It appears this woman is most enamored with O'Neill. It says on her profile page that she has named her youngest son after him.

Just because she named him Jack doesn't mean she named him after our Jack.

No, it says right here that she named him after a Stargate character.

Well, don't tell Jack, his ego doesn't need any more stroking.

Unlike Colonel Mitchell's.

Funny. I'm just saying that these Sam/Jack shippers are a little... out there. I don't even know where they got this idea from in the first place. It's not like there's anything going on between Sam and the... What?

Nothing. Not a thing.

Teal'c?

You are most blind, Colonel Mitchell.

What does that mean?

What does what mean?

Ah, Vala, she'll side with me. Her ego's bigger than all of ours put together.

What did I miss?

Just Cam getting his panties in a twist because some lady on the internet didn't include him in her favorite things about Stargate.

And because he was unaware of the relationship between O'Neill and Colonel Carter.

Really? Because I thought that was pretty obvious and I barely know General O'Neill.

Forget about Sam and the general. Can we just get back to the issue at hand?

What was that again?

Ugh... the lack of the rest of us on this list.

Don't care.

Nor do I.

Hmmm. Doesn't really bother me either. It's just one Sam/Jack fan. If you want something that will really spin your head you should check out this list of Daniel/Vala shippers. It's massive.

What!?!

Oh, Daniel, why are you so surprised. And it's mostly porn.

Of course it is.

I think I'm going to be ill, I did not need to know that.

Indeed.


	2. Vacation Fic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam, Jack, time alone and a laptop = fanfic! Trust me, Jack is just as surprised.

Carter, I thought I told you no work this week. You're on vacation.

I'm not working.

Um, you, laptop. Looks like work to me.

If you must know, I'm reading fanfic. Vala sent me the link.

Fanfic, you say. Pray tell about what?

About SG-1 in various incarnations mostly.

Really? Lemme see.

No, go find your own computer.

What happened to "what's yours is mine" and all that?

Doesn't apply to laptops.

Since when?

Since you broke mine and I had to spend my last vacation fixing it.

Fine, I won't touch. Just let me look.

*sigh* Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Warn me about... oh, ugh, gaw, that's about Daniel and Vala and it's very-

Graphic?

Why the hell are you reading that?

Because it's a lot easier to stomach than the graphic Sam/Jack fics.

Wait, what? Sam/Jack? Now those I'd want to read.

Of course you would. But you'll have to go find your own computer.

Spoilsport.


	3. Of Mary Sues and Twisted Panties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cam tries his hand at fanfic writing, Daniel is unimpressed.

Hey, Mitchell, Teal'c and I were going to go to lunch want to... What are you doing?

Trying my hand at this fanfic thing.

Uh, why?

Someone has to counteract all of that toxic Daniel/Vala stuff. It'll rot your brain.

You're really having a problem with that, aren't you.

Damn right. There needs to be standards in these kinds of things, author integrity.

*reading* Your story has the rest of us captured and tortured while you have to seduce the sexy Goa'uld queen to save us.

Yeah, so?

It's a blatant Mary Sue. What happened to standards?

It's a good story.

Right. Lunch?

No, I have to finish. Those readers are ravenous. Once you post that first chapter they ride you until you finish the story.

Sounds... kinky.

Funny.

 

...LATER

Mitchell, what the hell is this?

What?

Don't play innocent. This second fic on your fanfiction.net account?

Oh, that. I got inspired by some comments on the first fic.

Why? Why? Why?

Why ask why?

I'm serious. You have to take it down right now.

Geesh, talk about panties in a twist.

It's... ridiculous, appalling, unacceptable.

It's just a story Jackson, get a grip.

What happened to integrity and standards?

Who cares about that stuff. Look, I have 547 reviews and it's only two chapters long!

Mitchell, this story is about Vala being re-implanted.

Yeah?

You don't think that might be a little upsetting to her?

Ask her. Hey, Vala, finish chapter three already?

Not at all, Daniel, I beta'd it for him. And, yes, I did. Can't wait for the rest.

You actually read this... drivel? And let him post it?

You have to keep going, it gets better?

How can this get better?

In the third chapter you become my sex slave.

Oh, god. Take it down, right now. I won't be a pawn in your twisted reality.

Oh, Daniel, you're so clueless sometimes it's cute.

He is pretty adorable when he gets all riled up. Maybe the little guy needs a nap.

You'll pay. Both of you. This isn't over.


	4. Worse Than Vampires That Sparkle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Jack stay up all night reading crappy fanfic—it's not for the faint of heart.

Jack, what are you doing? It's *yawn* oh-four-hundred hours.

Come here and look at this.

What? Oh, god, don't tell me you're still reading fanfiction.

Yeah, it's great.

Please, it's not Shakespeare. It's not even Stephanie Meyer.

Who?

She wrote those books about the sparkling vampires. Like vampires sparkle.

No, not her, the other guy.

Funny. What is so fascinating that you've been up all night?

Here. These two writers have been posting new stories one after the other all night long.

So?

So... the first one is "shaftastic" and the other is "betterthanshaft." Both list Colorado as their location.

Oh, god. What are they writing about?

Well, it started with a craptastic self-insert from shaftastic. Followed by a very hilarious story with Daniel playing slave to sex-goddess, Vala.

I swear I never thought I'd hear you utter a sentence like that and keep a straight face.

Then there was a heated exchange in the reviews. Followed by betterthanshaft countering with a story where Mitchell's rescue attempt goes completely FUBAR and Daniel saves the day and wins the heart of the pretty maiden.

Classic.

It just escalated from there. The last set had Mitchell getting blown up seconds after stepping through the 'Gate. And then Daniel gets accidentally married to a gorgeous native who turns out to really be a guy.

Please, stop...

And the writing just keeps getting worse and worse. Yet I can't seem to stop reading. Like watching a train wreck happen.

How very cliché of you. Ooh, there's a new story. By someone calling themselves, "sexyalienissexy".

Has to be Vala.

Let's see it then.

 

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER

I need bleach.

Why?

For my eyes. I will never get rid of that image.

I know what you mean.

Why? Why did she have to go there?

Because she's Vala.

But a threesome... with Mitchell and Daniel.

You stopped reading at the end of chapter one, didn't you.

Yeah, why?

Nevermind.

Oh, come on, just tell me.

Fine, but don't say-

I know, I know. Now spit it out, Colonel.

Okay. It wasn't just a threesome.

Wait, what? You mean Teal'c was there, too. Shudder.

Not just Teal'c.

Huh?

It was all of SG-1.

Oh, that sounds kind of kinky.

ALL of SG-1, present AND former.

Wait, you mean.

Apparently, in Vala's reality you and Daniel are very... intimate with each other.

I'll kill her. No, deport her—back to whatever planet they found her.

In the morning, dear, now come back to bed.

I won't be able to sleep for all the nightmares.

At least you only read page one.


End file.
